My life has become very busy over this week, I have started working and had work on top of work to complete to deadlines and only in a week. It’s been helpful because it means that I haven’t been able to think about the growing ball inside my chest, it’s kept my mind busy. I’ve basically been ‘distracted’.
Sadly, when it comes down to it you can’t always be distracted and it ends up catching up with you. It’s the same with everything in life, you can’t put things off nor can you run away from it.
Sadly, for me that always comes at night time. I can keep busy all day with my friends and with work but when it comes to night time, I’m lying in bed on my own and not even my tv or my social media can distract me. I’m sat texting my boyfriend who is two and half hours away from me and I realise that I miss him so bad.
I hate to admit that I cry a lot when this happens. Sometimes I miss him so bad that it physically hurts, though I won’t admit it to him. My chest is crushed because sometimes I go through a day where I don’t feel it as I’m too focused on what’s happening with the day. The problem is anxiety makes it difficult to process emotions, some emotions can be too much for me to understand or process it. I remember when I lost my most favourite person, almost like a second grandma to me, and I struggled so bad. I thought I had handled it well but as soon as I got home it felt like I was being hit by a brick wall, it felt like someone was pushing onto my chest and squeezing it so tight. I basically ran away, physically I couldn’t, it was a social event where I had to stay and smile but emotionally/mentally I ran away, I refused to even look at any place they used to sit, if anyone mentioned their name I would turn away and pretend I had to be somewhere. I ran away.
I do this a lot, night times mean that I can’t. I’m in my pyjamas, lying in bed and sometimes I absolutely love to do that but lately, I struggle. I can’t stay still for so long. Boredom makes it worse too. I’m always so bored it’s a nightmare, if I don’t have a little task to do then I sit there twiddling my thumbs. My phone doesn’t help me sometimes and Netflix has gotten slightly boring; I haven’t found anything that interests me.
At night time it’s the one time where you have to face your fears, you have to face the anxiety and review of the day. Night time is where you don’t have to pretend to anyone, you can effectively take off your mask and those tears you’ve been holding back? They come pouring out because there’s no one there to see it or hear you.
Lately I’ve just been going to bed early and falling asleep really early because I just don’t want to face the boredom nor the horrible pain. Annoyingly sometimes I can’t sleep, my body is just like “nah you’re not tired, keep going!” Thanks brain, *cue eye roll*.
Coping mechanisms are a big thing and they seem to be really important. My boyfriend’s a nice one, though due to previous relationships I’m trying my absolute best not to rely on him or become too dependent; pretty raw feelings from that. He’s a good distraction, he makes me smile and I can be absolutely stupid and sometimes that’s what you need. With anxiety you need to find someone who helps you just relax and release your tension, it seems that lately I can’t shut off, I can’t relax and I can’t seem to just let go. Not without the help of alcohol, (being a student lets me get away with this sometimes). THAT’S NOT A RECOMMENDATION! Please do not resort to drugs or alcohol, they don’t end well for you nor the people around you.
I guess I just want to let people know that it’s okay and this is normal, well it’s a thing that happens to others, or it happens to me. Night times can be the worst, I find that when I wake up panicking and having that crushing anxiety feeling I find my phone helps me; just scrolling through social media. I don’t really take note of what’s on my newsfeed or who’s posting pictures on Instagram, the act of just scrolling through these feeds it gives me some sort of calming feeling; I’m in control.
Control. A key thing, if we feel like we’re out of control it can all go wrong. So scrolling through these feeds it gives me comfort and control, I can stop scrolling when I want to, I can scroll past something if it makes me uncomfortable, I have control.
If you’re with someone who has anxiety, expect them to seek a lot of comfort and conversation at night time. If you’re sleeping beside them, remember we like to be hugged but some people don’t. That’s just me, I get super clingy because I get a sudden freak out that they don’t want me.
Please remember, don’t get angry at us for wanting to talk to you more, don’t get annoyed at us wanting to hug you or that sudden text or phone call in the middle of the night because that anxiety attack has just hit us in the middle of the night.
Night times can be the worst. Be patient. Let us talk to you. Let us text you. Find that calming way to make you feel back in control. A good thing is to list 5 things you can hear or see. Breathing exercises are really good too.